This blog is now retired. My new site is at: Predictably Irrational.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Twelve Things You Didn't Know

...About Me

With the holidays here, I thought I'd share in my joy by listing out things that bother me. Since November was the month of being thankful, and by golly, didn't we see enough of that shit on facebook? "Day 14: I'm thankful for my momma, poppa, granmomma, granpoppa, aunties and uncles, cousin It, blah, blah, blah"... Then there's Day 15, Day 16 and so on. Seriously? Jeezuz-fucking-christ. I read them just to drive myself batshit-crazy.

I'm sick that way.

This is probably insight to my OCD, or just my demented way of ruminating, which I do 24-7. Some of these list items are actual objects so instead of giving me coal for christmas, you can get me one of these things.

1. I do not like speeders in general but people who speed around school zones, neighborhoods, or in areas that have slow mph zones (<= 35) piss me off the most. I think cities can monopolize on this greatly by making quota *and* revenue by having police monitor school zones during school hours and just pick off each Richard Petty wannabe. There is lots of money to be made. I see it every day I drive to work and go through school zones.

2. The sound made by making the 'pfffft' with your lips. It irritates me as much as fingernails on a chalkboard does for most people (that also bothers me). I have to put my hands over my lips, rub them, or do something, to make the annoying, irritating feeling go away. I usually don't say anything out loud so that people don't do it again. I suffer in silence. Until now.

3. The smell or taste of peach flavored anything. Almost instantly, if I don't know a candy is peach flavored, I will know once my taste buds hit it and it's coming back out. I could be sitting with the President of the United States, at an extravagant dinner, and pop in the most beautiful piece of dinner "mint". Taste like peaches? It's coming back out and landing on the white linen table cloth.

4. Tailgaters - Not tailgating parties, although that seems weird but that's because I don't do it and never did. So what I don't know and don't understand just bothers me in general. This bothersome point relates to speeders. I hate people who speed behind me and then ride on my ass because *I'm* doing the speed limit. When I was younger and more obnoxious, I used to throw paper out of my sunroof at them. Or if they eventually passed me, I would shoot them with my finger gun and make "pow pow" noises.  Or blow kisses at them.  I had a lot of road rage back then. But I am recovered now.

5. People who talk in theaters - I will let them get away with it during the trailers but once the movie starts? I will tell you to be quiet. And I know one thing for sure: *I* wouldn't want anyone to tell me to be quiet. So that would piss me off. So why even talk during the movie? Why do people come to a movie to talk? It just doesn't compute. I am completely flabbergasted at this notion. Movie <> social interaction. PSA for the day.

6. The smell or taste of american tea. I don't know how you people drink that stuff. It smells awful. I've tasted it and it's been ingrained in my memory and, yuck. When I lived in Thailand, my mom told me to be careful about strangers. Of course, NOW I know what she meant, but back then, I was around elementary school age. She said that there were men that would kidnap little girls and would make them do things they didn't want to do. For me, at that age, I clearly remember thinking they would make me drink tea.

7. Being told that I look like Pocahontas. I probably look less like her now that my hair is short and shaved on one side :) but after the Disney movie came out, numerous, disparate people would tell me this over the years. I don't know why it bothers me but I point it to the fact that the first time it came up, it came from a person I thought was a friend who actually liked me but, as she told the story, it became apparent that it bothered her to watch the movie (Pocahontas) and be reminded of me. Plus, I felt like it was a bit racial, not in a bad way but in a I-know-a-brown-girl-and-I-see-a-brown-girl-in-a-cartoon-movie-so-now-they-look-alike kind of way.

8. Thankful posts. Can you get any cheesier than that? Seriously. If I was on top of my game, I would have done "what I would be thankful" posts (I'd be thankful if my kids would do their chores), or wrote shitty "what I'm thankful for" posts (I'm thankful that I hate thankful posts), or I'm not thankful for posts (I'm not thankful for George Clooney).

9. Fine point ballpoint pens. Why were these ever invented? It's like writing with your fingernail on paper. It just doesn't feel right and the line of ink is indistinguishable. Medium point is the way to go. This does not apply to felt tip pens, where fine tips, and extra-fine tips, are the bomb.

10. Bluetooth. Just not cool. Put this in the cheesy category. First: you look like an idiot walking around with that thing in your ear. Second: No one, especially me, wants to hear your idiotic conversation.

11. Phone calls. Don't call me. I hate talking on the phone. Unless you're my husband or one of my daughters, I absolutely have no desire to talk to you. I can't explain it but when my phone rings, I get anxious and pissy. If I don't recognize the number, I will not answer. If you don't leave a message, you will not get a call back. Texting? I'll text you all day. But something about actually speaking to someone on the phone makes me sick. I did get used to talking to my good friend Vikram. He was incessant...and insistent in talking to me on the phone. He knew about my 'disorder'. But eventually, I came around and he became one of few people that I would talk to on the phone because I could just hang up on him when I got tired of talking to him. And he wouldn't keep me on long, or rarely called. But one of the initial phone calls, before I turned, I told him "You're breaking up. I can't hear you. I need to hang up." He cut me off "Nah. Can't happen. I have Verizon. My line never breaks up."

12. Personalized plates that I can't decipher. I know some people probably make personalized plates for themselves but if I can't figure out what 82pst*b is, it will bother me. I will spend WAY too much time trying to decipher the code. Can't you just make it easy for the rest of us?


  1. did not know 2,3,6,9 - fine point ballpoint pens? I can see you spitting out that peach mint right in Obama's lap

  2. LOL. Well, at least I taught you something new about me. :)

  3. Oh man... you and I are soul mates on the phone thing! I hate the phone. That's one reason I'm really not a big cell phone person and rarely have my phone charged and/or with me... I don't want people calling me on it. I don't pick up the phone unless it is my mom, husband, or the school. Email is my favorite. I do like to text, but that requires me to have the phone with me! :)

    I think Bluetooth technology is wonderful when you are IN THE CAR and only then. My car is bluetooth enabled, so I can dial and talk totally hands free... very nice. The bluetooth ear pieces though are ridiculous anywhere outside of a moving vehicle. I've never understood people who walk around with them on their ear.

    Pocahontas is my 10th great grandmother. Since you look so much like her, maybe we are related! ;)

  4. @Ann: I should have been more specific about the bluetooth. The technology I am for. It's the earpiece thing you mention that I don't like. I also have bluetooth technology in my car and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. But the ear piece is stupid.