This blog is now retired. My new site is at: Predictably Irrational.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

White Trash Revival

This is a post that will not go over well, but whatever, it's my blog.

Tim and I went to the Jimmy Buffett concert last night. And as the title suggests, it did feel like we were at some For-Whitey-Only revival -- a cult of people who applauded this man's every word.

It was a well-intended effort on our part: to hang out with friends for one friend's birthday (which will actually be in July). And I say "well-intended" because, well, we are not Buffett fans.

In fact, and I will only speak for myself: I am the very OPPOSITE of a Buffett fan. But I thought I could hang up my bias for just a few hours for a good friend. Not looking for martyrdom here, just a lead up to why I thought it would be a good idea for me to waste my money on two tickets to a one-trick pony balladeer.

I was trying to keep a good attitude about the whole thing and I felt pretty good about enjoying the evening with friends, even if there was shitty music in the background. But I think I knew, deep inside, that this was just never going to work.

And it didn't. I never got to see the birthday girl and the social gathering went kaplunk. But Tim and I had each other and I had a sickening blast making fun of the fools around me.

I have a stereotype of buffett fans. They are the whitest of the whitest of the whitest of people. As George Jefferson would say "They're Honkies". They go nuts over the amazing tunes of "Let's Get Drunk and Screw" and sing along, with silly-grins on their faces, as though this is the most naughtiest song ever created and boy, they are really pulling one over on conservative ears.

These are the same people that go nuts over AC/DC's "Shook Me All Night Long". God, how I HATE white Americanos go nuts over that song. Girls start shaking their hips and singing to one another as though they were the only ones that know the gist of the song. I can't describe my animosity towards this type of reaction to this particular song...I've seen it since high school and it hasn't changed.

And yes, this particular song was played before the concert began. Let my cringing begin.

Let's see...where do I begin?

Parking: long lines everywhere. We parked somewhere out in Timbuktu and had a long walk to the amphitheater. This allowed us to see all the drunks who tailgated the entire day, of 99 degree muggy, humid weather, literally hang and balance on their two feet but their cars, trucks, SUVs and yes, RVs.

And of course, you must dress appropriately for this event: straw hats with the center cut out of the head, shark fins on top of their heads, coconut bras (on men too) and grass skirts.

Let me first say that most of these people should not wear what they wore until they looked in the mirror and then booked a gig on the biggest loser...

We passed one chick who was slurring "jello shots! jello shots!" and I could not tell who she was looking at...actually, I don't believe she could focus on anyone... But Tim partook in a shot as she complained "Ahm trhying to geeeve aht jello shots..." Not a southern accent, but a slurring of letters to make words...

I can't even explain the amount of crap I saw on the way over. These are the same people, I think, who feel like a 5 star vacation is somewhere in Myrtle Beach...or even an RV park.

Yes, I DO have a holier than thou attitude here.

We passed by a table full of, I guess what was supposed to appear as "food": a mess of some sausage-like chunks, corn, and lots of water...or grease...I couldn't tell. The old dude, who I didn't think was drunk, was trying to get people to grab a handful as they walked by. I heard one guy ask "What is it" (to which I replied "Food Poisoning) and the old dude said "Whatever you want it to be!" And by golly, the stupid fucker grabbed a handful and ate it.

Next: a line to enter the amphitheater. And it wasn't a line, it was just a crowd of loud, obnoxious, buttheads. And you just can't have claustrophobia in this crowd...these people just LOVE crowding into your personal space.

I heard yelling behind two men started arguing. As I turned, I saw a tall drunk doofus yelling into a short, stocky guy. At first I thought they were friends and then the short, stocky guy grabbed the tall drunk doofus' face with one hand...kind of like what people do with kids "you are so cute" as they grab their face and gently shake it with adoration...only the short, stocky guy was not gentle and not full of adoration.

And tall drunk doofus, who apparently is all talk and no play, just did the chest butt and then a friend of his "holds him back"...and I quote that because he wasn't really holding him back...just trying to save face (pun intended) for tall drunk doofus, who didn't fight back.

And although I thought highly of short stock guy for putting that tall drunk doofus in his place, if ANYONE did that to me (or generic you), I would beat the shit out of him. I may lose in the end, but I would have nails full of skin, clumps of hair clenched in my fists, and bruises on my feet, knees and elbows doing the best I could to fuck him up. NO ONE GRABS ANYONE'S FACE LIKE THAT AND GETS AWAY WITH IT. Unless you are tall, drunk doofus.

Next stop: beer.

Now, let me say upfront that drinking beer at the pavilion in the heat is not my idea of fun. Beer gets hot and well, it just doesn't taste good. And, it's hard to get good beer. We found a place with Corona IN A CAN...I didn't even know that was even available...and I got a lime! I was happy and life was looking good.

We found a nice spot way in the back, overlooking the extremely crowded amphitheater.

A bit spacious:

This is how far we are from the very back...which is "not very":

And by the time it started, we were part of the extremely crowded amphitheater:

The concert began and everyone stood up. I stayed down. I would stand up to try to take pictures of the ugly people: those who forgot to look in the mirror before they left for the day. I think there was divine intervention from the parrothead up in the heavens, because every time I was >thisclose< to getting a great shot, someone would get in my way.

I got a few though:

You'll have to look for the guy with the Bruce Lee muscle shirt...his buddy is standing next to him, with the little blond tail in his hair. These two dudes had me cracked up -- they walked around all slick-rick like, with their chests pumped out and their arms hanging off to the sides, like their biceps were too big to set next to their body.

I got a pic of Bruce-Lee, who caught me and then I'm quite sure for the rest of the evening, thought I wanted him:

This one is one of several men who thought it was cool for their underwear to hang out. They mistook themselves for URBAN YOUNG FOLK, who CAN get away with this...mainly because they are young and have a nice frame...but even the big urban dudes get away with it. Whitey: you cannot.

And this one was parrothead intervention: same dude as above...I had been trying all night to get his photo...and although this one is extremely blurry, you can see the outline of his belly. It's there, despite the fact that a blurred elbow enhances the belly, but it is important for me to show how bad this man appeared to me and how I had a sick fascination with capturing his physique (I'm telling you, this is quite eerie...blogger is giving me a hard time uploading this image! The gods-that-be are trying to suppress me!):

This is one of many chicks emulating bad choices by men. She had wrapped her shirt under her bra and let her entire belly hang out. I really didn't want to dis the women -- we should be proud of what we have -- but I'm not sure being proud means letting me throw up a little in my mouth:

We left at's all we could take. I was busy going through my phone pictures and sending them off to $Bill. The last swill I drank was a Bud Light -- again, just playing into the hands of my stereotypes of this place. BUD LIGHT? My taste buds deserve better.

I never met up with birthday girl and her entourage. It was probably best as I was never going to get as drunk as they were or I would have brought them down with my pessimism.

Lesson Learned.

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly what I would have expected your reaction to a JB concert to be! I have never, and will never, go anywhere near a JB concert and now I'm reminded exactly why! Hilarious Cindy! My only disagreement is that Bud Light is yummy, although not hot from a can but cold, cold in a bottle. ;o)