This blog is now retired. My new site is at: Predictably Irrational.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

FarmerJane, I Am Not

FarmerJane is one of a few common user IDs that I use. I like the way it sounds, but I can tell you, it is the antithesis of who I am.

I was reminded of this today when I noticed something moving within my screened porch.

It was a squirrel.

Part of one of the doors, on the screened porch, has screen that is loose, due to Brenna (our beloved mutt) tearing it away over and over to get through it. Now, it's just a pass-through screen and apparently, a squirrel found this pass-through but couldn't figure out how to get back out.

Since the squirrel couldn't figure out how to get back out, it was just scurrying around the porch. I was trying to figure out how I could help it out, knowing that the reality is that I would never set foot on the porch with some creature on it. My day started flashing before me: What am I going to do when I want to just sit out there this afternoon? Drinking my Corona Light, sitting and listening to my iPod, and enjoying the 'great outdoors' from the comforts of my own screened porch? Why does this have to happen to me? A SQUIRREL ON MY PORCH???

Fortunately, my husband hadn't left for his job so I played it off cooly when he came into the kitchen. "Hey, there's a squirrel on the porch." I was even surprised at how calm and cool I sounded.

He looks out on the porch: "Where?"

I kind of hope it's gone, but then I think, he won't believe me if that squirrel is gone. I peek out through the door looking for it and I see nothing but suddenly, movement from one of my plants makes my heart skip a beat. "There it is!!"

So, my man to the rescue. The squirrel gets 'squirreled' away and I have the luxury of sitting out on my porch, doing exactly what I had envisioned. But the incident reminds me of other very daunting events that took place in my life.

Turtle on the Deck
This happened at my previous house, before my beautiful children were born. I came home from work and looked outside the window to the deck and notice a big turtle roaming around it. I had no earthly idea how the heck that thing got up there, but our best guess was that our dog Soc had found it in the yard, picked it up and brought it to the deck. I frantically called Tim and told him there was a TURTLE ON THE DECK but all I heard was laughter. No respect for a real crisis but he did help it off the deck after he made it home.

Turtle under the Leaves
This happened last Easter, as I was 'hiding' eggs for the girls' Easter Egg Hunt. I was placing one of the eggs in a pile of leaves next to a tree when something poked its head out from the leaves. I screamed -- and I'm sure if it could, the turtle would have screamed. Granted, I didn't know it was a turtle. I think I may have thought it was a snake; for all I care, it was a sea-monster right in my own backyard. But I had the shivers the rest of the day anytime I thought about my meeting with that thing.

Squirrel-or-Bird stuck in my Car's Grill
I recall going to my car one morning and seeing something that looked like a plant or pile of leaves sticking out from my car's grill. As I got closer, I noticed it was in fact, animal in nature. Panic sets in, along with the shivers and retching. Tim (my savior) wasn't home and I am not a neighbor-kind-of-neighbor, so what did I do? What could I do? I got in the car and drove straight to work. All the while, I "see" people staring at me and my horror is that I have a squirrel's tail, or worse, its head, sticking straight out and staring at everyone I pass. These people must think I am a MONSTER for blatantly driving with a creature sticking straight out of my grill.

I get to work and I find a parkiang spot with bushes in front and I pull WAY UP so no one can see the hideous creature. I call Tim and explain this horrible discovery. Laughter. And a "i'll check it out when you get home." Seriously? I now have to drive back home with this thing?

So it turns out that I can be overdramatic (surprise) and that, although Tim did find a bird, it was barely visible unless you were close enough to the car to notice it.

So, the very idea that I desire having a 'farm' and having farm animals (okay, maybe just a cow) and planting a nice garden full of veggies and fruit is so absurd, but I *do* think about it. The reality is that I would have to hire someone to actually farm my land, which would me allow me to walk around and enjoy the fruits of their labor. I will just FREAK if I see anything other than my dog roaming around my farm.


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